The little boat rocked back and forth gently. The surface of the water was smooth; with nary a ripple. It resembled a sleek sheet of glass, although of course, unlike glass, there was the very real possibility of slipping under and disappearing forever.
“You have got to be kidding me,” she choked out, amidst gasps of air punctuated with laughter. “Nobody could be that oblivious to obvious signs of homosexuality!”
He smiled, crinkling up the corners of his eyes.
“You mock me. After years of being friends, am I not allowed to make a couple of mistakes?” He said.
“Forgive me for being judgemental, but how the hell could both you and John gloss over the fact that she’s a lesbian!?” She doubled over with giggles, while clutching on to her fishing rod.
It was a comfortable union – him and her. They had grown up together as children, and entered the first phases of adulthood hand-in-hand. He always had her back, and she, his.
A cool breeze swept ripples across the calm surface of the lake and whipped strands of her long brown hair across her face, the tips grazing his cheeks. After a moment’s hesitation, he raised his right hand and tucked the loose strands of her hair behind her ears.
They gazed at each other, silence holding more than words. The seconds ticked by while they listened to the song of birds and the melodious splash of water.
“So..” He paused to clear his throat. “How have you been holding up?” He asked her quietly.
She dropped her gaze to her knees and started fiddling with her fishing rod. These were signs of nervousness, perhaps, or just a hesitance to answer his question.
“I’ve been.. Surviving.” She mumbled.
“But that’s no way to live now, is it?” He pressed on, while the water lapped quietly against the wooden base of the boat. “Don’t you want to enjoy life while you still have it?”
Her head snapped up suddenly, and her eyes bored into his with such intensity that he instinctually recoiled with apprehension.
“Yes, I believe in making the most of life. Do you not think that I would like to live with passion and gusto?” Her right hand gripped the fishing rod tightly while her left pulled at her hair – an unconscious sign of frustration she had developed over the years. “I want to be happy. It’s so simple – happiness. Yet, it’s the very thing that eludes us the most.”
“Could you teach me how, simply, to be.. Happy?”
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Someone once told me that happiness is a journey, not a destination. To which, I agree. However, I also believe that we should never take on the journey if we don’t see a destination. Why go down the long winding path if you know that at the end of the road, there simply is.. Nothing? Why take the treacherous journey if there isn’t a promise for a better ending?
I wish I could simply live day by day, as many of my peers do. I look at them and I can’t help but feel jealous. I’m envious of how carefree they are. I’m envious of how readily they can throw caution to the wind and plunge themselves into craters that promise no happy endings. I’m envious of how they simply do not fixate on more.
What’s more?
Well, that’s the question that nags at me all the time.
I want more, but I don’t know what that ‘more’ is. I can’t define it. It’s just the feeling deep within that tells me I should never settle for less. That tells me I should fight every single battle that comes my way because I should be proactive at seeking the best for myself.
That, in itself, should work in my favour, logically.
But this particular trait is ruining my life. It stands in my way of faith. It makes me question and it makes me doubt. It makes me overly logical and rational. I don’t believe in gambling and I don’t believe in taking on a journey if the probability of it unveiling a favourable destination cannot be seen. And it is this very reason that has rendered me a quivering mass of desolation.
Why do I do these things? Why did I choose to walk away? Why did I choose to put mind over heart and rationality over leaps of faith?
Because I’ve been burnt. I had once placed my faith in the good of mankind, and got torn apart as a result. I no longer believe that there are happy endings. Disney’s just a cruel mockery of human behaviour and fate.
Perhaps I’m destined to ruin every good thing that comes my way.
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