Anchor

I miss having a steadfast reason to live, an anchor of sorts. That's not to say my life is a piece of driftwood or that I'm lacking direction - it is not. I do know what I want in life, if we're talking about tangible aspects, and for the most part I do work towards making the most of my life in that aspect daily.

What I'm talking about here is something that cannot really be explained.. Something that non-believers and atheists alike would scoff and roll their eyes at. Yes, I'm talking about religion. I'm talking about religion not in the sense of textbook knowledge, metaphysics or as a commodity or structure. I'm talking about religion in its purest form - faith and a relationship with the entity who has given me the greatest gift of all: the gift of life.

I miss being grounded by faith. I miss cracking open my eyelids at the dawn of each day with the first words that escape my lips being 'thank You for this day'. I miss being in the core of the church community, living and breathing every moment with the knowledge that I am surrounded by other living, breathing humans who want not only to glorify His name, but to attempt - despite falling short and being flawed in our humanity - to love every other human being whilst constantly fighting the propensity to always do otherwise, internally. I miss trying. I miss having a reason to try to be a better person.

Why do we understand so little of life's inexhaustible mysteries?

Sometimes I'm not sure if the problem lies with me. I stick to my set of beliefs and (sometimes) preconceived notions, and my moral compass is non-negotiable. But what if all the things I stand for are fallacious? What if nobody else subscribes to them? Doesn't that make me terrifyingly, irrevocably alone in this crazy, overpopulated world?

I have said this before, and I will say it again. I believe in sanctity of life, the covenant of marriage, the chivalry of men and the chastity of women. I believe in purity, steadfastness and honour above all. But what makes me lose hope in mankind every. single. day. is the absence of anyone else who leads a life governed by the same principles as I. I'm not saying I'm a faultless angel, and neither am I putting myself on a pedestal. No, I'm terribly flawed. Shamefully so. I'm just.. Disillusioned that nobody strives to better, to overcome their impulses. Nobody thinks twice about throwing a colleague under the bus. Nobody thinks twice about nicking a pencil from Ikea. Nobody stops to put aside his or her ego for the benefit of others. Did Jesus not turn the other cheek? Did he not teach us to do that very same thing? For non-believers, does an-eye-for-an-eye as a concept make operational sense to you? No. It doesn't.

How about purity, then? How many youths are all too ready for unbridled fornication? Is intimacy no longer something sacred, to be shared in union between two people - and only, two people?

Then we come to greed. Oh, greed. Thou art a heartless bitch. This is the one sin I've been struggling with for the longest time. Greed has caused me to perform many an unrighteous deed. Greed has caused me to covet, envy, and doubt. I've always wanted more from life. I've wanted riches, luxury and success in the worldly sense. I've always wanted power. To yield influence backed by an 8 digit bank statement gets me giddy. It's a drug - an alluring, intoxicating drug. Just working towards that goal releases spurts of adrenaline in me.. I feel tingly all over at the anticipation of success. Success. Ahh, the sweet taste of success.

But to what end? To what end? It is true when they say.. The best things in life cannot be bought with money. When I lie on my 1000 thread count sheets as an old woman with no loved ones by my side, no legacy and no purpose in my life, what would I have accomplished?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Which is why I can't go back down that path. I've taken an oath.. To always follow the words of my Father, to the best of my ability. Both my Fathers. The Almighty God in heaven, and my own dad.. Who is the single most compassionate, righteous, and unwaveringly steadfast man I have ever known. And I strive every day to remind myself of where I came from, what this life represents, and how I may live with passion, purpose, and compassion for all peoples.

I work hard to rid myself of my elitist mentality every day. I have to set reminders on my phone, cos reading the words in block letters 'ALL MEN ARE MADE EQUAL REGARDLESS OF SKIN COLOUR, NATIONALITY AND CIRCUMSTANCE.' drives home the point better.

But despite it all, I try to be somebody good. I try to be of value, to be worthy to exist in this universe. But others do not share this belief. They're content.. to lead pointless, hedonistic lives. Why, though? That's what I can't understand. Why do people not strive, daily, to be better versions of themselves? Why are people content with so many worldly possessions, while understanding so little of life's inexhaustible mysteries? Why do people not respect the sanctity of life?

Am I all alone in this fight?