Invincibly invisible, yet divisible.

Tonight I feel like writing.

Tonight I feel like running my fingers across the keyboard like a pianist in the dead of the night, plinking and plonking away all by himself in a bid to drown out the voices in his head.

Tonight, I feel the emptiness boil over and spill over the sides. So much emptiness. An overflowing amount of emptiness. Enough emptiness to fill my emptiness.

I have always been a walking contradiction.

For the longest time I have been drowning myself in work and running towards a very specific goal-post. Now that I’ve reached the finishing line (well, sorta), I’m blindsided with a sudden surge of complete and total... Nothingness.

It’s as though I woke up one day and unknowingly stepped into a vacuum. This vacuum: I can’t hear anything around me, besides my own voice. I can’t touch anything around me besides still, suffocating air. I can’t breathe; but I don’t need to. I’m in a vacuum after all.

I’ve always thought whilst hurtling towards my finishing line that there would finally come the day where I could look at my life and finally feel fulfilled. I thought that I could somehow redefine myself and rework my entire existence. I thought I could be a different person – not necessarily a better person, just different. Why different? Did I really use to hate the person that I used to be?

Perhaps.

But now that I’ve attained almost everything that I have set out to achieve just a couple of years back, why do I still feel.. Nothing?

Where is that rush of consummation people speak of? Of liberating contentment, gratification and achievement? How does it feel to fill your lungs with cold, rushing night air and be able to BREATHE in the possibilities of life? How does it feel to be able to stretch your arms above your head with only weightlessness weighing you down?

I’ve fallen through the cracks. In my crazed, myopic struggle toward my self-imposed finish line, I’ve fallen into the crevice that has no bottom. It just goes on, and on, and on. I keep falling and falling, which in itself isn’t a bad feeling. It’s a non-feeling.

Is this what it feels like to be a ghost? To be on an endless wanderer?

And then there’s the fear.

I can already feel it creeping up – the pressure to set more goal posts. The pressure that stems from my own insecurity and inane need to freakin’ PROVE myself to God-knows-who. The unbalanced obsession to debunk my own preconceived notions about everything.

The fear that I would always be stuck somewhere in The Dreaded Middle – never first, never last. Always mediocre. That’s where dreams come to die, isn’t it?

And then there are the people I've grown to regret not choosing when I (kind of) had the choice. The people that would have propelled me in the right direction, had I taken it upon myself to choose happiness. If I had the courage to welcome change. If I had believed.

If I had believed.

CHRISTMAS 2013!!

So, CHRISTMAS!

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. With nostalgic Christmas tunes playing softly in the background of the malls, the colourful tinsel and baubles draped all around the polished interior of buildings, and the festive menus proudly displayed at the entrance of restaurants... It's almost magical.

I've always wanted to spend a Christmas over in the US or UK simply because it's celebrated in a much larger scale over there. I have yet to see a real-life (well, as real-life as it gets) Santa Claus giving out presents at a shopping mall, or obsessively decorated homes with hedges trimmed into reindeer-shaped works of art, or snow gently resting along rooftops and window panes. Yup.. Clearly I've been watching too many Winter Wonderland movies but one can hardly blame me.. After all, it's Christmas. Sigh.

I remember hanging stockings by my window back when I was a kid. Of course this isn't a widely practised tradition in Singapore, but thanks to reading an overwhelming amount of children's storybooks with vivid descriptions of Christmas in far flung countries while I was a tot, my little mind convinced myself that Christmas here on our little Sunny island COULD be as wonderful.. If only I believed!

So I believed. I hung my Christmas stockings, ate Chocolate Pudding and Turkey and watched the sky on Christmas day for snow to start falling. I recall there was a particular year in which I convinced myself that the clouds really were snow.. Just that they were somehow stuck together and needed some rain to dislodge them from the sky. Yup... Imaginative indeed.

Went for Christmas Eve mass this year as usual - with the best present from the Universe yet: THE FLU.

Headed to Michelle's house to celebrate after mass with the gang as usual, and had the BEST Secret Santa gift exchange ever! I know Christmas isn't about the presents but.. I SECRETLY REALLY LOVE IT!

Christmas day itself was spent in a helicopter as I had a gourmet lunch with the man of my dreams, Ryan Gosling. We flew over the city and hugged the clouds, Aladdin and Jasmine style, whilst singing Carols with the vocal ability of Celine Dion..... Not.

In actuality, I spent my Christmas day under the covers at home, nursing my cold. Guess who took Rudolf's place as the red nosed reindeer this Christmas? :(

Apathy and Lack-Of-Discipline

Apathy.

It is the very thing the devil who sits on my left shoulder is made of. Every time I sit down in my office to start the day.. Apathy, who is a large, overweight green devil, comes along to nudge me off-course, accompanied by his best friend, Lack-Of-Discipline who is an amoeba-shaped indefinite entity. Simply because his physical appearance should emphasize his name.

Each time I open my internet browser to get some work done, Apathy will drawl seductively in my ear, 'Before actually starting work, why don't you look at all the shopping websites to check for any sales? After all, everybody needs new clothes. Like, EVERY DAY.'

I would furtively shake my head no and attempt to log into my company's email account to start working, but this is where Lack-Of-Discipline rears his ugly, amoeba-shaped head in. 'You know you will never be able to fully concentrate on your work until you get your shopping out of the way. Come on, do that first and THEN you can fully immerse yourself in work!'

He's right, of course. How could I possibly concentrate without first indulging myself? Of course I wholly deserve that indulgence from the past 12 hours of eating dinner, watching tv and sleeping in my soft, comfortable bed. Indulgence isn't supposed to happen after work hours! It's supposed to happen RIGHT at work. Yup.

After half an hour of shopping online and significantly reducing my paypal balance, my brain would try to fight Apathy and Lack-Of-Discipline once again.

'Time to start work,' Brain says. 'No argument this time. The earphones are coming out and concentration's coming in!'

''Of course,' says Apathy 'I understand completely. You SHOULD start work. That's only right. However... Remember the picture of your ex-classmate that you saw on your instagram feed whilst riding the bus on the way to work? Didn't you tell yourself you had to check her out on Facebook to see if she's still fat and stupid?'

'Yep, Apathy's right. There's no better time than NOW, to do that. Although I can't explain why.. There just isn't any better time. C'mon. Do it. Do it. Do it. Just do it.' Lack-Of-Discipline adds on.

'I hate you both.' I mumble to myself, my voice getting thinner with my resolution wavering. Inadvertently, my curser moves to the address bar of my browser window and types in 'F A C E B O O K . C O M' and my finger hits Enter before I can rethink my decision.

That's when the blue window of possibility pops up and all restraint, ALL RESTRAINT goes to death.

I do a quick search of my ex-classmate (for easier future reference, let's call her Jamie) and locate her profile. I then spend the next half hour morbidly fascinated by her unflattering pictures and vacuous status updates, all for the sake of reaffirming my disdain for her.

After that half hour has passed, it's time to get down to work. No arguments this time. I am putting my nose to the grinding wheel and getting my discipline in check. I can't be wasting the company's good money and resources to entertain myself and accomplishing nothing. I would be no different from any other government official then. (I kid)

I gather my hair up in a high knot and put my spectacles on for work-mode. I log into my company's email successfully without hindrance from the two devils, and I effectively manage to get a half hour's worth of work done.

What's that shiny thing at the corner of my eye? A packet of potato chips? What is THAT doing there? I could have sworn it wasn't there when I first came into the office in the morning.

What, so it's magical sudden presence means that I should eat it? Noooo. Maybe some other time. My diet's been so good lately. I've only ate 2 slices of cake yesterday, after all. You don't mess up a diet THAT good.

'Yum... Chips. Salty, tangy and crunchy. Imagine how that would feel on your tongue and between your teeth. Mmmm. You've been so good lately. You need to reward yourself sometimes, you know...' Apathy whispers in my ear.

'He's right,. You won't be able to get those chips out of your mind till you have a taste. Just a small taste. Take one or two bites to satisfy your craving. Then you can get back to work.'

And who am I to deprive my stomach of food? It isn't right; it isn't humane. There are people suffering from hunger all over the world. I shouldn't add to that number.

So I eat. And I eat. At first I take single pieces of each chip and place each one gently and gingerly between my lips, savouring the sweet, sour and salty flavours that slowly spread over my tongue like a hot water bottle on a cold winter's night. I chew slowly, savouring the richness of the spices and relishing the hearty crunch as I grind each chip between my molars. Mmmm. So, so good.

Delicate, reserved bites slowly morph into heaving fistfuls of chips into my mouth, shovelling them down my throat like a cocaine addict starved from crack. I chomp like a horse grazing on an endless field and I gulp as fast as a college boy at a beer pong competition. It's getting all too much - it's getting too salty. My tongue's starting to sting and I'm getting sick of the repetitive taste. I want a drink of water. But I can't stop. How do I stop? Lack-Of-Discipline, you said it would only be a small taste! Where are you now? Why are your promises empty?

This goes on until the packet is finished, and I'm wiping the crumbs off my fingers in a daze. I look at the empty packet and shame engulfs me. Not only have I completely sabotaged my diet, I have also wasted a good half hour of my otherwise productive office time wolfing down large amounts of saturated cancer-causing fat. Great job, Beat.

Guilt overwhelms me, and slowly but surely.. I manage to guilt-trip myself into fully concentrating and getting all my work for the day done. Of course I scramble to finish my tasks cos I've wasted so much time thanks to the devils known as Apathy and Lack-Of-Discipline, but the work does get done at the end of the day. But it does occur to me that... Sll these can be avoided if I could just ignore these two devils on a daily basis. Why is it so hard?

The answer to which eludes me too.

Disclaimer: This is a recount of my experience whilst running my own business. It by no means describes my current working attitude.