How do you know when it's the right time, the right place, the right decision? Why must everything in life be a gamble?

They say everyone you meet in life is the result of fate - a play on destiny, if you will. Yet I believe that fate takes a back seat when logic and rationality come into play. Am I guilty of being overly nonchalant and dependent on fate to 'make things happen' for me? Should I be more brash, be more forthcoming, be courageous enough to stand up and say, 'this is what I want. I want YOU.'

Then again, giving someone the opportunity and power to tear you down is a prospect that scares me greatly. Vulnerability - that's something I've been battling with internally for a long time. I want to be independent, I want to be strong. I want to climb up the highest mountain with nothing more than my bare hands and nary a soul for support. I wanna drain oceans in a gulp and carry the world on my shoulders. I don't want to be weak; I cannot be frail.

Yet I see people around me who seem to want to 'fix' me, in some way. I'm not broken. I refuse to be. I refuse to be the damaged product of cruelty and cynicism inflicted by past experiences. No, I wanna believe that I'm whole and that's the first step to success, right? Believing in something hard enough opens the door to it eventually being true.

The thoughts that bump around in my mind whenever I'm alone are driving my brain to the point of over exertion. I wish there was a kind of release - a haven or bare room of sorts where I could bleed out the multitude of images, both disturbingly sinister and compassionately pure, that swim through my mind each day.

Do not set store for something that is never going to take flight.

It's about time I learn to STOP GIVING A FUCK.

I can't figure out why I get so emotionally invested in situations and human relations. You would think that after going through a mudslide of bullshit drama, I would have learnt to use logic above emotions. But no. I naively, time and again, let my guard down. If I actively disallow someone from entering my life, I can effectively ensure freedom from unnecessary over-analyzing and mental and emotional anguish.

This time, hold true. I will walk the talk and deliver what I say. I don't have the energy to run this goddamned marathon all over again. Perhaps I should start placing more faith in fate and an omnipresent being.. Cos after all, it's easier to believe that everything's written in the stars, right?