we are infinite.

I used to believe I was strong enough to handle anything that life may throw my way. I used to believe in mind over heart and rationality over emotionally-fuelled decisions.

Fresh from my breakup, I felt hurt and betrayed. I was adamant about picking up the pieces and standing up again. I never entertained the possibility of giving the broken relationship a second chance as I’ve always believed that if a man can leave you for any given reason, then the bottomline is that his love is insufficient.

I am aware of all that’s good and bad for me, yet I’ve realized that when the heart and emotions come into play, the mind has nary a chance of holding strong against them.

Throughout the course of these past 2 days, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve yearned for his presence in the most intense way. I thought that hatred would nullify any remaining desire for him, but I’ve realized that love always trumps hate. I scoff at myself for being weak; for not having the strength to make a decision and stick to it. I allow memories to seep into the present, eating away at the weak foundation that I’ve built my decisions upon.

I’m proud of myself for having the strength to forgive, something I didn’t expect myself capable of. I’ve taken a step back and I’ve seen the big picture. It may not be a pretty art piece, yet I relish every stroke of the canvas and every tiny detail in the background.

I know I miss him so fucking much and so intensely, that as I lay in bed at night, my heart aches from the weight of our memories and my extreme desire to turn back time and give this relationship another shot. I grieve the loss of what we’ve had – what I’ve always considered sacred. Yet I recognize a recipe for disaster when I see one.

I have no solid conclusion to this entry. I simply wanted to put my thoughts into words in the hopes that a revelation would occur, but I’m still lost. I’m still directionless. I still wish that life had a map or instruction manual that would guide me down the least painful road.