Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I used to believe I was strong enough to handle anything that life may throw my way. I used to believe in mind over heart and rationality over emotionally-fuelled decisions.
Fresh from my breakup, I felt hurt and betrayed. I was adamant about picking up the pieces and standing up again. I never entertained the possibility of giving the broken relationship a second chance as I’ve always believed that if a man can leave you for any given reason, then the bottomline is that his love is insufficient.
I am aware of all that’s good and bad for me, yet I’ve realized that when the heart and emotions come into play, the mind has nary a chance of holding strong against them.
Throughout the course of these past 2 days, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve yearned for his presence in the most intense way. I thought that hatred would nullify any remaining desire for him, but I’ve realized that love always trumps hate. I scoff at myself for being weak; for not having the strength to make a decision and stick to it. I allow memories to seep into the present, eating away at the weak foundation that I’ve built my decisions upon.
I’m proud of myself for having the strength to forgive, something I didn’t expect myself capable of. I’ve taken a step back and I’ve seen the big picture. It may not be a pretty art piece, yet I relish every stroke of the canvas and every tiny detail in the background.
I know I miss him so fucking much and so intensely, that as I lay in bed at night, my heart aches from the weight of our memories and my extreme desire to turn back time and give this relationship another shot. I grieve the loss of what we’ve had – what I’ve always considered sacred. Yet I recognize a recipe for disaster when I see one.
I have no solid conclusion to this entry. I simply wanted to put my thoughts into words in the hopes that a revelation would occur, but I’m still lost. I’m still directionless. I still wish that life had a map or instruction manual that would guide me down the least painful road.
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2 comments:
U don't need a map to guide u, u just need to follow your head and not ur heart. This way u would learn bcos things like dis would always happen in ur life, u must get used to it. Stay strong babe!
Thank you. I will. <3
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