we are infinite.

“I still don’t understand why.” He sat across her and muttered quietly, all the while trying to suppress the urge to reach out and envelope her in his arms.

Silence hung in the air, thick and intense. The seconds ticked by, each mild click resounding like a bass drum in the quiet.

“I wish I could give you an answer. I’m so sorry.” She said.

But her words held no real emotion; no real conviction.

“I’ve done everything I could possibly do. I’ve shown you care and concern, I’ve attended to your every need, I’ve been here for you whenever you needed me. What else could I possibly do?” He clenched his fists in frustration, leaning across the table.

“Please, help me understand.” His eyes bore into hers, begging for an answer.

She longed to define her emotions and yearned to construct a logical answer to his pleading questions, yet when she looked at him, she neither felt care nor concern. All she felt was compassion tinged with pity.

“I no longer believe in love. I no longer believe it exists, or lasts. You may say you love me now, but you and I both know that time changes everything. I don’t wish to be a sceptic, but what can I possibly do when situations render me such?” She never intended to share this much, but somehow as she started speaking, the words tumbled out of her lips like gumballs in an arcade machine.

“Do you think I enjoy being like this? Do I look like a masochist; that I enjoy every minute of my misery?” She yanked her hair out of her eyes in frustration.

“I wish I could move on and be happy. People often say that happiness is a choice, but perhaps I’m too weak. Perhaps I’m unable to simply numb my emotions and choose an alternate path. It’s difficult as it is, without you giving me pressure.” She finished quietly.

He looked at her, his gaze filled with concern, longing and heartache. He yearned to reach out and take her trembling hands in his and tell her that everything was going to be okay, yet her brokenness and emotional fragility held him back.

“Why won’t you just open your mind and heart, and allow me to heal all the wounds that were once inflicted on you?” His eyes searched every corner of her face, expectant yet vulnerable.

Her eyes welled up with tears, startling him. She had always projected a strong image – never yielding, never allowing herself to succumb to the common perception of sorrow and grief.

She took a deep breath, and said in a barely audible whisper.

“How can I present myself to you when I’m still a broken shell of a person, with nothing beneath the surface to offer?”

xxxxxxx

I wish I could define what I’m experiencing – It’s not as simple as just grief or loss. It’s the knowledge that I could probably never find someone else who would ever hold a candle to you. It’s the knowledge that I could never meet someone else who would understand me the way you did, who would know my thoughts before I even begin to convey them.

It’s a conundrum, really. One moment I’d be determined to live my life without looking back, enjoying the attention and frivolous activity that I constantly have, yet at the next moment, I would find myself drowning in a bucket of distress and regret, lamenting about what I’ve had and lost.

I look around me and I see happy couples everywhere. I don’t feel jealousy nor any desire to be in their place because I believe that what we had surpasses what the common perception of love is. I don’t claim to be different, I simply believe that most people don’t have a firm grasp of what love really is. How many of us actually fully understand the magnitude of that word?

Yet I know that I must move on. I must pick up the pieces and continue this treacherous journey called life. I know that I must learn to laugh at the life’s little problems and emerge a stronger person. But how do you go about accomplishing this when the very thing that once defined you.. Has gone?