Top 10 Useless Things I’ve Nicked

Back when I was in Secondary school, my sense of moral conduct was much stronger. I recall an incident back when I was 13. I was at Rivervale Mall’s Bodyshop Store with a bunch of classmates, and a particular girl, let’s refer to her as Nicole to protect her identity, shall we?

So. I feel the need to explain that I come from a very sheltered family, and I wasn’t allowed to go to shopping malls or even step out of the school or house independently till I was 14 so yes, I snuck to malls after school without my parents’ knowledge.

Back to the story. I was in Bodyshop with a bunch of classmates, and all of a sudden, Nicole turned to me and hissed, ‘Stuff this in your pocket, quick!’

I looked down to see her holding a couple of round wooden balls; the scented kind.

My perplexed innocent mind couldn’t understand what was going on at that moment. The first thought that crossed my mind was: WHY would I wanna stuff wooden balls in my pocket?

My thought process went as follows:

Thought Number 1: They were completely pointless. What would I do with a scented wooden ball? I suppose I could sniff it for gratifying pleasure, but c’mon now... Pointless much?

Thought Number 2: Why was I being asked to stuff them in my pocket? Shouldn’t we, like, pay for them first?

Thought Number 3: I suppose I could draw faces on the wooden balls with a black marker and create some cute figurines for my desk. Hmmmm.

Thought Number 4: I wonder how much they cost!

So my mouth decided to formulate the thoughts in my mind without first thinking them through. I said, in a voice that carried, ‘What? Why put them in my pocket? Shouldn’t we pay for them first.....?’

I got cut off mid-sentence by Nicole furiously shushing me while the shop assistant looked over suspiciously. That was when Thought Number 5: OH, I GEDDIT. SHE WANTS ME TO STEAL THE DAMNED BALLS! finally dawned on me.

The purpose of the above story is to highlight to you how very innocent I was back in Secondary school, and that my parents brought me up impeccably. I’d have you know that I refused to partake in any stealing and walked out of the shop immediately upon realization of Nicole's evil scheme.

As you can tell from the title of my post, I haven’t written this monologue just to boast about my apparent strong moral standing. As time passed, I’ve slipped down a few rungs on the Ladder of Integrity, and have pinched a number of little something somethings over the years. And upon looking back, I’ve realized just how freakin’ pointless the things I have nicked actually are.

1) Toilet Paper Roll

Back when I was 16, I needed a roll of toilet paper to build a paper mache structure for art class. We were instructed to bring one from home, but being the complete moron that I was, I forgot. So I went into the toilet, unhinged a giant roll of toilet paper (the huge economic kind, not the pussy single roll kind) and brought it back to class. I then distributed it like how Jesus distributed the 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread to the rest of my classmates. The toilet paper (due to it's immense size) never ran out. It was a miracle.

2) Toothpaste Boxes

Back when I was 16 (again), I needed rectangular boxes to build (yet) another structure for art class. We were instructed to bring some toothpaste boxes from home, but being the compete idiot (substituting the word moron here, for variety) that I was, I forgot. So before art class started (art classes were normally held after school hours), I (accompanied by a friend) traipsed off to Rivervale Mall’s NTUC and pinched a couple of toothpaste boxes, leaving the actual tubes of toothpaste on the shelves because we felt bad. Hey, see, at least I left the main content of the product behind!

3) Hotel Toiletries

I can’t recall how old I was, but I distinctly remember gathering up the pretty toiletries in a hotel’s toilet once and stuffing them into my bag before scurrying to checkout. I was sordidly disappointed when my parents informed me, after, that those toiletries were legally ours to take and I didn’t commit any crime by taking them. Even at a young age, my tiny mind could recognize thrill and adrenaline and was upset to realize that those toiletries were, essentially, worthless.

4) Coins

Do you recall those dong-dong machines that neighbourhood shops used to have back when we were much, much younger? The kind that dispensed keychains and assorted playing cards with the insertion of $1 or 20 cent coins?

Anyhoo, I remember being completely obsessed with My Fair Princess (also known as huan-zhu-ge-ge) back when I was 11 or 12. For the ill-informed, My Fair Princess is a Taiwanese period drama that centres around the antics of a completely psychotic main character, who also happens to be an adopted princess. Or something along those lines. I fail to remember.

Being an obsessed fan girl, I wanted to acquire as many of these My Fair Princess playing cards as possible. But being only a primary school kid, I lacked the financial resources to fund my obsession. So what did I do? I went to the coin-box my parents kept under their desks and grabbed a massive amount of 20 cent coins to purchase these playing cards.

Looking back, I realize how fucking stupid I was. 20 cents in exchange for a flimsy piece of cardboard with a celebrity’s face printed on it? SO NOT WORTH IT.

5) Blood Donation Stickers

When I was 17 or 18, my friends and I went to a blood donation drive held in our polytechnic. I went there with the intention of donating a pint of my blood to the needy, but was informed upon arrival that my blood fell under the rarest category in the world - the kind that is highly sought after by vampires and morbid underlings. Thus, spilling my blood for something as simple as donation would be a complete waste, so I was disallowed from donating. (This is obviously untrue. I was disallowed from donating because I was underweight.)

So I sat there (with another underweight friend, Hannah) bored out of my mind, waiting for my friends to finish donating their blood. And you know how the saying goes: an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. By and by, my eyes fell on a row of brightly printed stickers and squashy pump toys (the kind you squeeze in your hand to get the blood flowing). I thought they looked irresistibly cute, and I wanted them even though I technically didn’t deserve any as I didn’t donate a drop of blood.

So while Hannah watched out for the nurses, I sneakily stretched out my hand and nicked 2 whole sheets of Blood donation stickers. I didn’t pinch the pump toys because a) I was too much of a pussy and b) It felt less wrong to pinch stickers cos they seemed more worthless due to cheaper production costs. We then proceeded to run off giggling madly.

Looking back, I cannot comprehend what was going on in my mind when I nicked those stickers. Talk about useless acquisitions..

6) Alcohol

I was.. 18, I think. I was with Carley and Abby (once again, names have been substituted to protect identities) at a certain club (let’s call this club Zingo’s). After being slightly inebriated by a couple of shots each, Carley, Abby and I decided that we wanted more liquor. But being young and broke students, we lacked the financial indulgence of blowing cash on frivolous things like alcohol. So we devised a fail-proof plan to get free drinks.

We scoped out a couple of unassuming-looking guys and went over to them. Carly and I started chatting with them (cue: laughing, smiling, trying to draw their attention away from their horde of liquor behind them) and pretending to take pictures. Meanwhile, Abby hurriedly snuck up behind them, grabbed two huge jugs of liquor and ran the hell away.

Carley and I soon excused ourselves amidst fits of giggles at our latest accomplishment and ran away to find Abby. We then enjoyed the fruits of our labour.

Let me just inject here: Please NEVER try this at a club. It is completely embarrassing and well, you might not get as lucky as we were.

7) Tiny Flowers

No, I’m not talking actual nice flowers you get at florists. I’m talking tiny flowers that are commonly placed at the sides of escalators and lifts for adornment purposes. This happened at a certain mall in sunny Singapore. For the purpose of this story, let's refer to that mall as Sunny Mall.

Carley and I went to Sunny Mall to relieve our bladders after hanging out at the coffee shop nearby. We walked past the lifts and noticed that there were two bunches of delightfully bright yellow flowers planted there. By a stroke of genius, we decided it would be cute to pluck a couple of these flowers because we're girls and thus are attracted to brightly coloured objects. Yes.

So, giggling madly with the thought that were actually doing something ‘illegal’, Carley and I plucked a bunch of little flowers each (note that each bunch measured less than half the size of our palms) and ran back to the coffeeshop, proclaiming happily to Pam and Aaron that we committed a crime for their sake and gave the flowers to them.

8) Bubbletea Straws

Carley and I were (once again) at Sunny Mall in the dead of the night to use the restrooms. We walked past a little chinese cafe and noticed a cupful of brightly coloured bubbletea straws. In the dim light of the night, I swear the colours looked amazing. I shit you not. We were drawn to them like flies drawn to light.

Carley leapt happily towards these bubbletea straws and started helping herself to a whole bunch. I was a bit more apprehensive because nicking straws from a shop is very different from plucking flowers from a public place, so I stood by the side and adamantly refused to get involved. After skipping happily away with her spoils of illegal activity, Carley noticed a security camera nearby and meekly returned the bubbletea straws to the cup because, and I quote her exactly, ‘my hair is too red. They can find me easily and arrest me.’

-_-'' OVER STRAWS!?

I know I titled this post as Top 10 Useless Things I’ve Nicked, but I’ve come to the realization that I can’t even fill this list up wholly. I can only recall 8 things I've somewhat nicked, in my entire life.

This clearly means I’m a person of incredibly strong moral fibre.