Love Note to Stomach

Dear stomach,

It's really tough being your owner. You growl and call out for food in 2 hour intervals as opposed to the normal 4 - 5 hour interval of a normal stomach. It's alright; I understand you are special with unique needs. I'll deal with it. What I don't understand is how you can be so ungrateful. After feeding you, you insist on pushing the food around to other parts of the body (who, by the way, have never offended you before) and cause these body parts to get fat. That really isn't a nice thing to do, stomach. These body parts are innocent. They've never asked to get fat, and you are not taking responsibility for your greedy actions.

Also, stomach, you also happen to be exceedingly choosy. I can't just feed you anything cos you might repel it. Why, stomach? Why? Do you really need to be such a nitpicker?

And now we get on to the issue of alcohol. Alcohol is a social lubricant. It's a refreshing beverage choice. It's wonderful on so many levels and it makes my mouth erupt with joy. Why, then, do you insist on expelling it every time I consume copious amounts of it? You are being very unappreciative. I'll have you know that every ounce of alcohol that goes into you, dear stomach, doesn't come cheap.

Lastly, dear stomach, I think you need some volume control. There are times when I sit alone in the office or on the bus, and all of a sudden you make your presence known by growling in a shockingly loud volume. That isn't cool, cos people will turn to stare. And you don't just growl once - no - once is never enough for you. You constantly growl and thunder away for no apparent reason except to make my life THAAAT much more miserable. IT IS EMBARRASSING, and I have to ask that you cut it out.