Anchor

I miss having a steadfast reason to live, an anchor of sorts. That's not to say my life is a piece of driftwood or that I'm lacking direction - it is not. I do know what I want in life, if we're talking about tangible aspects, and for the most part I do work towards making the most of my life in that aspect daily.

What I'm talking about here is something that cannot really be explained.. Something that non-believers and atheists alike would scoff and roll their eyes at. Yes, I'm talking about religion. I'm talking about religion not in the sense of textbook knowledge, metaphysics or as a commodity or structure. I'm talking about religion in its purest form - faith and a relationship with the entity who has given me the greatest gift of all: the gift of life.

I miss being grounded by faith. I miss cracking open my eyelids at the dawn of each day with the first words that escape my lips being 'thank You for this day'. I miss being in the core of the church community, living and breathing every moment with the knowledge that I am surrounded by other living, breathing humans who want not only to glorify His name, but to attempt - despite falling short and being flawed in our humanity - to love every other human being whilst constantly fighting the propensity to always do otherwise, internally. I miss trying. I miss having a reason to try to be a better person.

Why do we understand so little of life's inexhaustible mysteries?

Sometimes I'm not sure if the problem lies with me. I stick to my set of beliefs and (sometimes) preconceived notions, and my moral compass is non-negotiable. But what if all the things I stand for are fallacious? What if nobody else subscribes to them? Doesn't that make me terrifyingly, irrevocably alone in this crazy, overpopulated world?

I have said this before, and I will say it again. I believe in sanctity of life, the covenant of marriage, the chivalry of men and the chastity of women. I believe in purity, steadfastness and honour above all. But what makes me lose hope in mankind every. single. day. is the absence of anyone else who leads a life governed by the same principles as I. I'm not saying I'm a faultless angel, and neither am I putting myself on a pedestal. No, I'm terribly flawed. Shamefully so. I'm just.. Disillusioned that nobody strives to better, to overcome their impulses. Nobody thinks twice about throwing a colleague under the bus. Nobody thinks twice about nicking a pencil from Ikea. Nobody stops to put aside his or her ego for the benefit of others. Did Jesus not turn the other cheek? Did he not teach us to do that very same thing? For non-believers, does an-eye-for-an-eye as a concept make operational sense to you? No. It doesn't.

How about purity, then? How many youths are all too ready for unbridled fornication? Is intimacy no longer something sacred, to be shared in union between two people - and only, two people?

Then we come to greed. Oh, greed. Thou art a heartless bitch. This is the one sin I've been struggling with for the longest time. Greed has caused me to perform many an unrighteous deed. Greed has caused me to covet, envy, and doubt. I've always wanted more from life. I've wanted riches, luxury and success in the worldly sense. I've always wanted power. To yield influence backed by an 8 digit bank statement gets me giddy. It's a drug - an alluring, intoxicating drug. Just working towards that goal releases spurts of adrenaline in me.. I feel tingly all over at the anticipation of success. Success. Ahh, the sweet taste of success.

But to what end? To what end? It is true when they say.. The best things in life cannot be bought with money. When I lie on my 1000 thread count sheets as an old woman with no loved ones by my side, no legacy and no purpose in my life, what would I have accomplished?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Which is why I can't go back down that path. I've taken an oath.. To always follow the words of my Father, to the best of my ability. Both my Fathers. The Almighty God in heaven, and my own dad.. Who is the single most compassionate, righteous, and unwaveringly steadfast man I have ever known. And I strive every day to remind myself of where I came from, what this life represents, and how I may live with passion, purpose, and compassion for all peoples.

I work hard to rid myself of my elitist mentality every day. I have to set reminders on my phone, cos reading the words in block letters 'ALL MEN ARE MADE EQUAL REGARDLESS OF SKIN COLOUR, NATIONALITY AND CIRCUMSTANCE.' drives home the point better.

But despite it all, I try to be somebody good. I try to be of value, to be worthy to exist in this universe. But others do not share this belief. They're content.. to lead pointless, hedonistic lives. Why, though? That's what I can't understand. Why do people not strive, daily, to be better versions of themselves? Why are people content with so many worldly possessions, while understanding so little of life's inexhaustible mysteries? Why do people not respect the sanctity of life?

Am I all alone in this fight?

Terrible Taxi Drivers in Singapore

It's no secret that cab drivers in Singapore have less than golden reputations. Complaints of shockingly rude and aggressive taxi drivers have been the subject of discussions upteen times. Of course, not ALL taxi drivers are bad. I've met some truly nice ones who really go the extra mile in terms of service, but sad to say, numbers of such amicable drivers are thin on the ground.

I was taking a cab from Bukit Merah to Farrer Park last Friday, and hopped into a cab with a plump uncle with a booming voice. I asked him to take the shortest, fastest way possible to Farrer Park as I was in a huge hurry, and he very enthusiastically agreed. What a nice uncle, right?

WRONG.

Never make premature conclusions cos they WILL be wrong.

About 3 mins into the journey, the Uncle suddenly asks me. 'Hi, Miss, can you do me a favour?'

Me (albeit sceptically): Erm... Yeah?

Uncle: Are you really in a rush?

Me: Yes... Yes, I am.

Uncle: Never mind then. Forget it.

Me: What? What is it?

Uncle: I wanted to ask you if I could stop at the petrol station to use the restroom cos I urgently need to go, but never mind.

Me: What!? Well, go ahead! Go ahead and use the restroom first.

Uncle: Never mind. Forget it. You've already said no, so it's a no. My goal right now is to take you to your destination and that's all.

Me: Yeah.. That kinda was your goal right from the start. But for the record I DIDN'T say no. You didn't even ask me if you could go to the restroom. You simply asked if I was in a rush, to which I answered yes.

Was I supposed to telepathically know you wanted to use the restroom, and should I have lied and said I was NOT in a rush just to accommodate your inability to ask a proper question?

If you urgently need to use the restroom then you should have just said so.

Uncle: In all my 10 years of driving taxis, you are the first customer who has ever disallowed me from using the restroom. Most people would just say 'go ahead, Uncle, using the restroom only a few minutes anyway!'

But since you have said no, I know from now on not to take any passengers when I urgently need to use the restroom. I thought I would be KIND enough to pick you up, but now I will never be so KIND again.

Me: ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME. NOW.

Dude.

Dudeeeeee.

Why. Why are people intent on being so, so painfully stupid?

This Taxi Driver didn't even ask me if he could use the restroom. All he did was ask if I was in a rush, to which the answer is YES. Was I supposed to know he urgently needed the restroom if he didn't communicate it to me right from the start? Was I supposed to develop instant mind-reading abilities and be aware of the meaning behind the loaded question of 'Miss, are you in a rush?'

If he wanted to use the god-damned toilet, any smidgen of common sense that should exist in his befuddled mind should tell him to COMMUNICATE HIS DAMNED INTENTION, instead of asking an indirect question and proceeding to jump to his own conclusion. And that little snide comment about being 'kind enough to pick passengers up despite urgently needing the restroom'?

Dude. That's not kindness. Kindness would be if he decided to pick a passenger up out of goodwill without expecting payment in return. THAT is the definition of kindness.

But here, little Mister Taxi Driver didn't pick me up without expecting anything in return. He picked me up EXPECTING payment, which makes this a JOB. This JOB wasn't done out of kindness. It was done out of ECONOMICAL REASONS. Pulling out the Kindness card is just laying it on really thick. That's akin to me giving paid tuition lessons to a kid and calling it 'kindness' when I'm receiving $40 per hour for said 'kindness'.

GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN. You're killing me with your idiocy here.

It's times like these that I really lose hope in the intelligence of human beings.

Invincibly invisible, yet divisible.

Tonight I feel like writing.

Tonight I feel like running my fingers across the keyboard like a pianist in the dead of the night, plinking and plonking away all by himself in a bid to drown out the voices in his head.

Tonight, I feel the emptiness boil over and spill over the sides. So much emptiness. An overflowing amount of emptiness. Enough emptiness to fill my emptiness.

I have always been a walking contradiction.

For the longest time I have been drowning myself in work and running towards a very specific goal-post. Now that I’ve reached the finishing line (well, sorta), I’m blindsided with a sudden surge of complete and total... Nothingness.

It’s as though I woke up one day and unknowingly stepped into a vacuum. This vacuum: I can’t hear anything around me, besides my own voice. I can’t touch anything around me besides still, suffocating air. I can’t breathe; but I don’t need to. I’m in a vacuum after all.

I’ve always thought whilst hurtling towards my finishing line that there would finally come the day where I could look at my life and finally feel fulfilled. I thought that I could somehow redefine myself and rework my entire existence. I thought I could be a different person – not necessarily a better person, just different. Why different? Did I really use to hate the person that I used to be?

Perhaps.

But now that I’ve attained almost everything that I have set out to achieve just a couple of years back, why do I still feel.. Nothing?

Where is that rush of consummation people speak of? Of liberating contentment, gratification and achievement? How does it feel to fill your lungs with cold, rushing night air and be able to BREATHE in the possibilities of life? How does it feel to be able to stretch your arms above your head with only weightlessness weighing you down?

I’ve fallen through the cracks. In my crazed, myopic struggle toward my self-imposed finish line, I’ve fallen into the crevice that has no bottom. It just goes on, and on, and on. I keep falling and falling, which in itself isn’t a bad feeling. It’s a non-feeling.

Is this what it feels like to be a ghost? To be on an endless wanderer?

And then there’s the fear.

I can already feel it creeping up – the pressure to set more goal posts. The pressure that stems from my own insecurity and inane need to freakin’ PROVE myself to God-knows-who. The unbalanced obsession to debunk my own preconceived notions about everything.

The fear that I would always be stuck somewhere in The Dreaded Middle – never first, never last. Always mediocre. That’s where dreams come to die, isn’t it?

And then there are the people I've grown to regret not choosing when I (kind of) had the choice. The people that would have propelled me in the right direction, had I taken it upon myself to choose happiness. If I had the courage to welcome change. If I had believed.

If I had believed.

CHRISTMAS 2013!!

So, CHRISTMAS!

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. With nostalgic Christmas tunes playing softly in the background of the malls, the colourful tinsel and baubles draped all around the polished interior of buildings, and the festive menus proudly displayed at the entrance of restaurants... It's almost magical.

I've always wanted to spend a Christmas over in the US or UK simply because it's celebrated in a much larger scale over there. I have yet to see a real-life (well, as real-life as it gets) Santa Claus giving out presents at a shopping mall, or obsessively decorated homes with hedges trimmed into reindeer-shaped works of art, or snow gently resting along rooftops and window panes. Yup.. Clearly I've been watching too many Winter Wonderland movies but one can hardly blame me.. After all, it's Christmas. Sigh.

I remember hanging stockings by my window back when I was a kid. Of course this isn't a widely practised tradition in Singapore, but thanks to reading an overwhelming amount of children's storybooks with vivid descriptions of Christmas in far flung countries while I was a tot, my little mind convinced myself that Christmas here on our little Sunny island COULD be as wonderful.. If only I believed!

So I believed. I hung my Christmas stockings, ate Chocolate Pudding and Turkey and watched the sky on Christmas day for snow to start falling. I recall there was a particular year in which I convinced myself that the clouds really were snow.. Just that they were somehow stuck together and needed some rain to dislodge them from the sky. Yup... Imaginative indeed.

Went for Christmas Eve mass this year as usual - with the best present from the Universe yet: THE FLU.

Headed to Michelle's house to celebrate after mass with the gang as usual, and had the BEST Secret Santa gift exchange ever! I know Christmas isn't about the presents but.. I SECRETLY REALLY LOVE IT!

Christmas day itself was spent in a helicopter as I had a gourmet lunch with the man of my dreams, Ryan Gosling. We flew over the city and hugged the clouds, Aladdin and Jasmine style, whilst singing Carols with the vocal ability of Celine Dion..... Not.

In actuality, I spent my Christmas day under the covers at home, nursing my cold. Guess who took Rudolf's place as the red nosed reindeer this Christmas? :(

Apathy and Lack-Of-Discipline

Apathy.

It is the very thing the devil who sits on my left shoulder is made of. Every time I sit down in my office to start the day.. Apathy, who is a large, overweight green devil, comes along to nudge me off-course, accompanied by his best friend, Lack-Of-Discipline who is an amoeba-shaped indefinite entity. Simply because his physical appearance should emphasize his name.

Each time I open my internet browser to get some work done, Apathy will drawl seductively in my ear, 'Before actually starting work, why don't you look at all the shopping websites to check for any sales? After all, everybody needs new clothes. Like, EVERY DAY.'

I would furtively shake my head no and attempt to log into my company's email account to start working, but this is where Lack-Of-Discipline rears his ugly, amoeba-shaped head in. 'You know you will never be able to fully concentrate on your work until you get your shopping out of the way. Come on, do that first and THEN you can fully immerse yourself in work!'

He's right, of course. How could I possibly concentrate without first indulging myself? Of course I wholly deserve that indulgence from the past 12 hours of eating dinner, watching tv and sleeping in my soft, comfortable bed. Indulgence isn't supposed to happen after work hours! It's supposed to happen RIGHT at work. Yup.

After half an hour of shopping online and significantly reducing my paypal balance, my brain would try to fight Apathy and Lack-Of-Discipline once again.

'Time to start work,' Brain says. 'No argument this time. The earphones are coming out and concentration's coming in!'

''Of course,' says Apathy 'I understand completely. You SHOULD start work. That's only right. However... Remember the picture of your ex-classmate that you saw on your instagram feed whilst riding the bus on the way to work? Didn't you tell yourself you had to check her out on Facebook to see if she's still fat and stupid?'

'Yep, Apathy's right. There's no better time than NOW, to do that. Although I can't explain why.. There just isn't any better time. C'mon. Do it. Do it. Do it. Just do it.' Lack-Of-Discipline adds on.

'I hate you both.' I mumble to myself, my voice getting thinner with my resolution wavering. Inadvertently, my curser moves to the address bar of my browser window and types in 'F A C E B O O K . C O M' and my finger hits Enter before I can rethink my decision.

That's when the blue window of possibility pops up and all restraint, ALL RESTRAINT goes to death.

I do a quick search of my ex-classmate (for easier future reference, let's call her Jamie) and locate her profile. I then spend the next half hour morbidly fascinated by her unflattering pictures and vacuous status updates, all for the sake of reaffirming my disdain for her.

After that half hour has passed, it's time to get down to work. No arguments this time. I am putting my nose to the grinding wheel and getting my discipline in check. I can't be wasting the company's good money and resources to entertain myself and accomplishing nothing. I would be no different from any other government official then. (I kid)

I gather my hair up in a high knot and put my spectacles on for work-mode. I log into my company's email successfully without hindrance from the two devils, and I effectively manage to get a half hour's worth of work done.

What's that shiny thing at the corner of my eye? A packet of potato chips? What is THAT doing there? I could have sworn it wasn't there when I first came into the office in the morning.

What, so it's magical sudden presence means that I should eat it? Noooo. Maybe some other time. My diet's been so good lately. I've only ate 2 slices of cake yesterday, after all. You don't mess up a diet THAT good.

'Yum... Chips. Salty, tangy and crunchy. Imagine how that would feel on your tongue and between your teeth. Mmmm. You've been so good lately. You need to reward yourself sometimes, you know...' Apathy whispers in my ear.

'He's right,. You won't be able to get those chips out of your mind till you have a taste. Just a small taste. Take one or two bites to satisfy your craving. Then you can get back to work.'

And who am I to deprive my stomach of food? It isn't right; it isn't humane. There are people suffering from hunger all over the world. I shouldn't add to that number.

So I eat. And I eat. At first I take single pieces of each chip and place each one gently and gingerly between my lips, savouring the sweet, sour and salty flavours that slowly spread over my tongue like a hot water bottle on a cold winter's night. I chew slowly, savouring the richness of the spices and relishing the hearty crunch as I grind each chip between my molars. Mmmm. So, so good.

Delicate, reserved bites slowly morph into heaving fistfuls of chips into my mouth, shovelling them down my throat like a cocaine addict starved from crack. I chomp like a horse grazing on an endless field and I gulp as fast as a college boy at a beer pong competition. It's getting all too much - it's getting too salty. My tongue's starting to sting and I'm getting sick of the repetitive taste. I want a drink of water. But I can't stop. How do I stop? Lack-Of-Discipline, you said it would only be a small taste! Where are you now? Why are your promises empty?

This goes on until the packet is finished, and I'm wiping the crumbs off my fingers in a daze. I look at the empty packet and shame engulfs me. Not only have I completely sabotaged my diet, I have also wasted a good half hour of my otherwise productive office time wolfing down large amounts of saturated cancer-causing fat. Great job, Beat.

Guilt overwhelms me, and slowly but surely.. I manage to guilt-trip myself into fully concentrating and getting all my work for the day done. Of course I scramble to finish my tasks cos I've wasted so much time thanks to the devils known as Apathy and Lack-Of-Discipline, but the work does get done at the end of the day. But it does occur to me that... Sll these can be avoided if I could just ignore these two devils on a daily basis. Why is it so hard?

The answer to which eludes me too.

Disclaimer: This is a recount of my experience whilst running my own business. It by no means describes my current working attitude.

Not dead yet - just different.

It certainly has been a long time since I've written anything intended for this space. So much has transpired over the course of the past year or so during which I have been absent from this little virtual playground.. I'm not sure where I should - or could - even start.

So, well.. I sold my e-commerce business, which explains the huge influx of reminiscing photos below.

Our very first fashion runway show at Attica













Appearing on Fashion Fray TV







Sponsorship Event at Zouk

I can't really put my finger on what exactly was the final deciding factor that propagated me toward this decision, but I believe it was the correct choice. Not because any interest or passion for the fashion industry or the digital retail sector had been lost on my part; rather, I felt I was encumbered by too much responsibility weighing on my shoulders. Often I would look toward peers holding full time jobs with nary a care in the world, without having to worry about profit and loss and having their finances tied up in a business, and I would inadvertently feel a twinge of envy.

Don't get me wrong, though - I am an entrepreneur at heart, and I will always be. I am unafraid of hard work and I believe in the possibility of success. The problem lies in my lack of maturity, I believe. When I started my business, I lacked the maturity to really take it to places and bring it home due largely to my lack of focus and motivation. I squandered my time partying, having fun and leading a self-gratifying lifestyle, while never putting work first.

As two young teenagers, Brenda and I also lacked the financial capability to pump the resources needed into our growing business. We weren't even sure how to handle investors and turned them away, which is on hindsight the stupidest move we have ever made. But live and learn, man, live and learn. I routinely kick myself when I think back upon the opportunities that I have passed up, but these experiences have all taught me so much. Life is a constant learning process, and even now, as I sit at my desk at my brand new offfice in a company to which I am but another PMEB, whilst I wait for the rain to stop pouring so I can leave the office and go home, I am learning. I am growing. And one day, one day.. I will accomplish what I had set out to do years ago.

I will find success.